What A French Maid Needs
by Setine
Summary: Brought to you by Craptastic™ SilentShipping Knock Offs! Originality? What Originality? Don't have it? Don't need it! Don't use it! Vampires? Sure! Maid's? Of course! Don't have an idea? We have all the extremely popular and over used ones!
1. Chapter 1

I am so sick and tired of going through the SilentShipping filter and getting Vampire stories. I really am. There are only certain people that can pull off such a story, and they do it once or twice. Vampire's are things of lust—then I better see Shizuka ripping Kaiba's shirt off, throwing him down and getting what she needs. Think outside the box people! Outside! Not the outside that such writers like XxXkIkOkEnXxX, PinkStarz, hakubaikou-chan, Adrianne Bassaid, WishList, Imperfect Paradise, Jieli, PrincessChaos, Walis, Sorceress Vanessa, can pick out a line and say "OMG! That's mine", _their _stories are truely inspiring! I see the same trends with everything. Within the year that With The French Maid In Kaiba's Room was published, I saw FOUR rip-offs. Same theme, Serenity works for Kaiba, he harasses her, and they get together! Please! No more! So, I wrote another informational parody for you. I told you about it, right? Each Chapter, a parody on a rip off!

Standard Disclaimer Applies.

What A French Maid Needs 

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Summary:

Brought to you by Craptastic™ SilentShipping Knock Offs! Originality? What Originality? Don't have it? Don't need it! Don't use it! Vampires? Sure! Maid's? Of course! Don't have an idea? We have all the extremely popular and over used ones!

Catalog ID #515KRIS Product Title: With The Kaiba In the French Maid's Room. 

_With The French Maid In Kaiba's Room was harmed in anyway possible during the writing of this parody. _

Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Serenity. Serenity was _very, very _poor and decided to go behind her brother's back and work for in his arch rival's resource market. She gladly slipped on the degrading uniform and in her mind somewhere hoped that she could bend over and show all her _ass_ets to him. She complained as she walked in to the gigantic mansion and shrugged off all her clothes in a stripper like manner, hoping that Kaiba would appear from no where and suggest to take the act to the next level, but sadly, he didn't. He on the other hand was in his secret lair reading quality pornography hoping that a French maid would show up, shrug off all her wet clothes in a stripper like manner and hope that he would carry it on to the next level. But, alas—he didn't find one.

Serenity toiled very hard all day, bending over at the right moment's hoping that a sexy Seto Kaiba would sexually harass her and then they would have an angst filled love affair then get pregnant after having extremely raunchy and detailed graphic sex, then go into a self loathing downward spiral for loving him, but he was just using her. Thankfully, on said day, she bent over when she was reading his quality pornography when she heard a very sexy deep voice behind her.

_"Yes! Thank you France!" _ She turned around and found a very sexy Seto Kaiba, for that is his complete title, leaning against the door with is hand over his head, his lean frame against the door and his other hand tugging at his pants so that she could see his hip.

_"Hot Damn!" _She exclaimed, as she clasped her hands together, enhancing her small cleavage. Kaiba purred as he approached her. Suddenly, out of no where, she threw him down on his desk. _"Ow!" _He exclaimed. She told him to shut up and started to—

"STOP!" He exclaimed as she muttered his name over and over again she stood above him, breathing heavily. He ripped his shirt so that buttons flew everywhere. Serenity cursed because she now had to pick up the buttons, so she quit. But then, Mokuba rushed into the room and exclaimed that he had gotten Rebecca Hawkins pregnant?

"How!" Kaiba exclaimed. Mokuba shrugged and explained, "I used the protection with KC on it!"

"Our product failed!" Kaiba implored as he took out his wallet. In the meantime Serenity hired herself for the job of taking care of a hormonal Rebecca Hawkins. During which time, Mokuba fled the house in order to escape a side-story about their crazy adventure in Europe with bunnies and porcupines, but couldn't so he went to sulk in Kaiba's office where he listened to Mariah Carey and decided to liberate himself by going to the bathroom.

During this said time of eight months—Mokuba drank a lot of water and got lost in a plot hole while in a barn in France reading a romance novel about a gallant knight—Serenity roped Kaiba into making out with in kitchen, wishing that he still wearing that skin-tight suit that showed off his hips. Then, she fell ill and Kaiba had to take care of her by rubbing a weird smelling substance all over her feverish body. Her moans of delight and relief sent him into a sex deprived haze that made him fail a test and decline a date with Duke Devlin. After that Mokuba got into a tragic accident in a public bathroom! He slipped while in a stall and lost his memories. And then Serenity seduced him into thinking that she wanted a loving relationship, but all she wanted was sex. Kaiba, sadly found out and was sent into a downward angst triangle. All gloomy and sullen, that not even a PlayBoy could cure. Serenity tried everything, flowers, puppies, a raunchy rap song, but in the end, she won him back by giving up her body. However, she did get Mokuba's memories back by showing him—_ass_ets. In the end, the father of Serenity's babies, Serenity lived a happy life whereas Kaiba—poor Kaiba, feared his wife's wrath, but told a stupid Christmas story Karl Marx style and had Adam Smith—the father of Capitalism save the world, but Smith ate twins so the twins decided to become socialists. Kaiba wasn't too happy to have a little Stalin on his hands, so he told them a nice bedtime story of Bill Gates and the Anti-trust company. Serenity got mad, had angry scolding sex with Kaiba and all was happy in the household. Apart from the bunnies and the porcupines in Europe because they lost all their clothes to the Order of the Phoenix.

So boys and girls, the lesson of this rip off is—

Destroy, massacre and make no sense what so ever.

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Happy Belated Here's the Friendly Version of your Present that my mother won't kill me for writing Kris.

Next Chapter: I am Free or Free Me.

Don't flame me because I hate bad writers. Please.

Soundtrack: Furuba Episode 19.


	2. Chapter 2

I hope you guys did not get my author's note wrong last time! I had to change it because I didn't finish my sentence. Thank you both to PrincessChaos and Clarity for pointing that out to me. I know I told you I would "I am Free" this time, but the new barrage of vampire and abuse/attempt at Possessive!Kaiba is too amusing. So, this chapter will be vampires, next hopefully, if I remember will be abused Serenity, and the one after that will be Possessive!Kaiba. Then, I'll go on to rip off other stories.

**Someone e-mailed me about the name: **

**What – From 'What Women Want' by hakubaikou-chan**

**French Maid- From 'With The French Maid In Kaiba's Room' by PinkStarz**

**Need- The theme of the need of companionship from Jieli's 'I am Free' **

**I was going to do: What a French Maid Needs To Be Free and Be A Star Who Runs Away From An Evil Vampire, but I thought it would be much.**

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**What A French Maid Needs**

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Catalog ID: #BANPAIYAA

Title: Vampires—Lots of Vampires.

Innuendos not included. To be left to non-existent imagination of reader.

In a cold dark alley, she watched her victims. Though, none of them were nearly as attractive as one Seto Kaiba who, in secret was a feared katana/gun/martial arts/ninja/tech support person. She yearned to pin him down against his desk and take his…

**"My Lady Shizuka!" **Her lackey/rival/other alternative angst love interest Bakura/Arken/Ryou/The Thief King exclaimed uncharacteristically as he bowed to her so that he could check out what's on the shelf, **"We have located Seto Kaiba." **

Shizuka smirked. Finally, she would have Kaiba chained up and hers to play with. She would torment him nightly, daily and every afternoon after her soap operas. In a cemetery in not very conventional clothing, such as a long black trench coat that made Sir Isaac Newton roll around in his grave and arm buckles wielding a gigantic sword—we leave the innuendo to you, special offer! Get a hint!—and walking around killing things and jeering at them at the top of his voice was one Seto Kaiba. Gasp! However, in a few short seconds, he had been caught by surprise by a slice of cheesecake. Man! He hadn't eaten carbs in months! As he bent over in the limiting (tight ass pants) leather pants, he was snagged from behind and knocked out so that he lay very attractively on the ground. But not without a battle! He managed to make his leather shirt into hashed leather and show his well defined body. Poor Kaiba what will he do!

In Shizuka's evil, carbohydrate infested lair, Kujaku Mai, dragged in—occasionally feeling the merchandise—a very knocked out, yet surprisingly sexy Kaiba (hair, over his eyes, long lean body against Mai's breasts…) was presented to her royal evilness.

**"Take him to my chambers!" **She ordered, making sure that he was kinkified™ and chained to her bedpost, but still in the hashed leather. After having a cliché argument with Arken/Bakura/Ryou/The Thief King/Your mom™ about their plans to take over the world via media, Shizuka felt a disturbance in the Force.

**"Holy Crap! Yogi Bear didn't teach me this!" **She swore as the cold chill passed through her spine. Suddenly, bright white light engulfed the entire room, hurting the poor UV intolerant minions and forcing them to shrivel and die. Thankfully for Shizuka she had sun glasses and wore Protagonist Repellent™.

**"It is I! Kisara, oh evil one! Hand over my whore!" **

Shizuka gasped in horror as her arch-rival, the Goodie-Two-Shoes™ Kisara burst through her secret lair with her mini-chorus and her good guy music playing with a full symphony orchestra behind her.

**"Never! Seto Kaiba will be mine! Mine I tell you!" **

Suddenly, the conductor suffers a heart attack and the symphony dies. Kisara has lost!

**"I will be back for my lover!" **

Shizuka ordered her minion to cackle evilly as she stalked to her bedroom. When she opened the door, like a bondaged™ minx, was Kaiba sitting on his legs on top of her red satin sheets. She growled and tried to get her morning dose of Kaiba meat. She climbed on to bed, fingering his neck then asked:

**"Diet?" **

**"No carbs." **

**"Excellent." **

And so she feasted on her Atkins friendly meal—oh and had sex with him while he was delusional from the loss of blood. When she awoke, she found her minx fast asleep pressed against her. Good. She had some dinner and kept him as her personal slave: Undress me this, do me that and so on and so forth. Till suddenly:

**"Kisara, my love!" **

Back with a better orchestra and a better conductor—one cannot go wrong with opera—Kisara presented herself in hope to get her lover back. Who, is really very wimpy, and if he was wimpy then the vampires just plain suck.

**"I, Shizuka, will never loose him!" **

**"Okay."**

**"Do you want your dramatic death in his arms?"**

**"Yes please." **

**"Urgh, you even say please." **

**"Because I am the Goodie-Two-Shoes™" **

**"Whatever." **

Kaiba positioned himself between Kisara and Shizuka and caught her as she fell dramatically in his arms. Holding her close, he vowed that he would get his revenge. Shizuka rolled her eyes at the scene, wondering why she wanted Kaiba… oh yes. He was great in the sack. Kaiba let the actor's guild take Kisara away and allowed him to face Shizuka angsty-like™.

**"… What do we do now?" **

**"You try to redeem me." **

**"Oh." **

With Kaiba's 1337 skills, and a dramatic fight scene with Bakura/Arken… oh you get the point, he got turned into a vampire and he and Shizuka lived happily ever after—until! The sequel where Kisara returns and vows to kill Kaiba even though she loves him, but ends up fighting Shizuka and dying for real.

The End.

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_I may do an encore because the vampire one has so many variations to it. _


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